while his myriad fans know him as the "bavarian drumming sensation," bachelor calwood has a deeper, lesser known calling. his interest in the art of percussion, it turns out, rests firmly on his hidden expertise with the mathematics of time and reality.
says herr calwood, in an uncharacteristic hip hop meter, "each beat of my stick is a tick of the celestial clock. each count that i rock from my kit to your ears is a hemidemisemiquaver in the music of the spheres."
unbeknowst to most around him, including his bandmates in alacartoona, herr calwood has been spending his time behind the drum set contemplating the subatomic structures underpinning the illusory solidity of the visible world.
"i was completely unbeknownsting," says providence forge. "all this time, i just thought he didn't have much to say. turns out, he was busy solving differential equations in his head."
over the past several years, bachelor has been spending his spare time in his basement laboratory, where he has been investigating the six flavors of quarks—up, down, charm, strange, top, and bottom—in an effort to find what he calls the pixie particle*, the seventh flavor.
"i have suspected for years that a seventh flavor had to exist but it was during my third attempt to solve the makinaw dilemma that i became convinced. there was simply no other way to account for the ξ differentiation."
earlier this year, bachelor did, in fact, discover the particle, which he has named the "calwood." his preliminary findings set the physics world on fire and his subsequent introductory paper is already being taught in classrooms from toulouse to beijing.
as a consequence of his brilliant discovery, cern (the european organization for nuclear research) has extended an invitation for him to present his latest paper—"the calwood: why it is seven flavors and then some"—at the international meeting of physics and mathematics this december [2010] in geneva, switzerland. afterwards, although offered immediate tenure at EVERY university in europe, bachelor has decided to take up residence in a small utility closet in the northeastern arc of the large hadron collider where he will work on his new theorem on time travel.
says overton wooldridge, "much like the atoms he studies, bachelor appears on the surface to possess a certain aristotelian indivisibility, while below is a bright and spinning universe of sparks and spirit. we will miss him, but such a mind must not be constrained within the confines of a cabaret."
*if the devil is six, then god is seven.