origin

i am alacartoona

in the spring of 2002, i was alone, living on the streets and supporting myself through unsavory means. often barely remembering who i was—and not caring when i did—i stumbled from barroom to bedroom to back alley, intent on self-destruction.

early one morning, convinced my death was near, i raised my head from the bundle of rags on which it had fallen, hoping to see the sun rise one last time. instead, my eyes beheld a beautiful vision of a man. he smiled at me with love and compassion and from between his red, red lips he said to me, "alacartoona, we need you."

that man was providence forge. he took me to his home, bathed me, fed me, nursed me back to health and loved me with passionate devotion until i felt a flutter of my former self sneak through my veins.

through him, i met the inspiringly ambitious—and brutally lovely— ruby falls, the strong and silent bachelor calwood and my dear, sweet archibald drexel. it was their unconditional love, their selfless support and, yes, their intimate attentions which gave me the strength to rediscover myself and reclaim my rightful crown.

you have known me before. i was the grande damme of the belle epoque and your great-grandfathers danced with me in the shadow of the kaiser. i was the queen of berlin, the empress of free france and your grandmothers fought to share my bed while the wehrmacht thundered through the streets below. and now, as the darkness rises once more, i have returned. this time, i choose you.

i am beautiful

i am alacartoona

alacartoona is a modern cabaret act inspired by the european cabaret movement that arose in berlin and paris at the turn of the last century. comprised of accordion, bass, drums and guitar, this unusual quartet brings to life songs of love gone wrong, of cafe life and revolving lovers, of brief joy and extended tragedy. raunchy, bawdy numbers, lusty sing-alongs and tearful ballads comprise the alacartoona songbook. all of the songs are original and are evocative of the style and mood of this fascinating era yet are infused with the energy of our modern life.

the show is headed by the master of ceremonies, who cajoles the audience members to prove their love to alacartoona, while the heart of the show is the chanteuse, who utilizes both raw emotion and exposed garter to enthrall them. both will leave the stage to bring the action directly to the individual (and to sit on a lap or two in the process). The experience is one part musical theater and three parts theatrical music, with a generous helping of titillation on the side. no one leaves an alacartoona show unmoved, be it to tears or libidinous conquest. or both.

words pale in the face of experience. come to the cabaret and see for yourself...